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Time keeps moving. It just keeps going–like a freight train headed for a deadly, explosive collision. 2012 was not my best year–most of it sucked actually–but that’s alright, most years aren’t my best years. In fact, out of all the years that ever were, most haven’t been favorable to me. At any rate, I have the time to delve into some shit to distract me from the ever approaching, crippling onset of severe depression that is real life. Let me not be the cynical asshole of the party for once, let’s delve into something much less gloomy.

I think the most revelatory moments for me this year involved realizing how much I miss my family and also how much I no longer feel too strongly about hip-hop music. It was a pretty seamless shift to be honest, listening to so much of any kind of music over and over would make anyone go crazy. Yeah, there’s a lot of variety and all types of unique artists out there but after awhile it all becomes of blur of noise over the same exact 808. So while I’m quick to state that Kendrick Lamar’s chilling portrait of Compton life Good Kid, m.A.A.d City is one of the best records made this year and one of the best rap records I’ve head in a long time, that’s not really saying much. I’ve listened to lots of rap records in the past few years and I don’t remember much about most of them–even the ones I liked. It’s not their fault, it’s the generation we live in. Music has become disposable… in all genres yes, but rap has been affected the most. So while Big Boi, Killer Mike, Joey Bada$$ and Action Bronson had solid releases, it’s hard to fathom me remembering much about them a year-plus from now (Joey maybe).

On the whole, some of the best music I heard this year wasn’t from this year… and the stuff that was from this year are too sparse or obscure. As far as full albums go, it was a pretty average year. Jessie Ware, Fiona Apple, Kendrick Lamar (as mentioned above) and How To Dress Well made highly enjoyable music this year. On the R&B front, only 4 acts stick out in my mind as worth discussing–Frank Ocean, Miguel, Solange and D’angelo. Miguel had a strong return with his second album Kaleidoscope Dream; an album that continues to grow on me with each passing day. D’angelo gets a shout-out for the simple fact that his return to performing for fans and audiences was perfect–because it was on his own terms. He didn’t have to parade himself half-naked to a gaggle of people who only give a shit about one song of his; he went out there, brought the funk and catered to his own style. I’ll be forever jealous for never getting the chance to see it this year. Then we get to Frank Ocean and Solange, a pair I lump together because they both made two of the most buzzworthy releases in R&B. Truth be told, I will give Frankie his credit. Channel Orange was one of the best albums of the year. That being said, personally, it didn’t do much for me. I recognize it’s good, soulful, passionate and experimental enough to separate it from anything else released this year–it just didn’t affect me like it probably should’ve. Now if I were to pick my favorite R&B record this year, it would have to be the baby Knowles True EP. Before you start, I’m not trying to be a contrarian. I genuinely like Solange a lot and to compare her to her sister musically would be silly–inevitable–but silly. Beyonce’ will always be the Cheerleader Summa Cum Laude Prom Queen of music but Solange is like the black sheep sister who goes to that art school across the street, the one who got you into all your favorite obscure bands and movies that you’ll never convince to marry you because “that’s just not her style”. This just so happens to be my type of girl.

Movies were better this year than last, even the most mundane-seeming had its enjoyable moments (s/o to Premium Rush). Movies like The Avengers proved you can still have a fun, light-hearted superhero movie and it will be just as great as the super-serious new dark tone everyone wants to turn their comic book movies into. Speaking of which, despite the fact Christopher Nolan seemed to be exhausted after Inception and just went into auto-pilot and completely phoned it in with The Dark Knight Rises, once you chose to ignore its plot holes and decided against taking it as seriously as it begs you too, you find that it still makes for a grandiose yet fun movie. Tom Hardy as Bane will forever be the second best idea followed closely after Bane having that voice of his. Despite not getting to see The Masterduring its theatrical run, its divisiveness doesn’t surprise me. Paul Thomas Anderson has slowly but surely found himself turning into a new sort-of Stanley Kubrick, in the sense that they both made films in order to derive some sort of specific reaction–be it positive or negative. To me, I always figured The Master would be the Synecdoche, New York of this year. A movie too chaotic to just be discarded. It had to be dissected and deciphered by anyone who watched it, whether they hated it or not. Speaking of divisiveness, the two biggest harborer of critical commentary came at the end of the year. Zero Dark Thirty, while being a critic favorite, incited controversy about its subject matter (the manhunt for Osama Bin Laden) from both the conservative and liberal sides of the aisle–much the same way the director, Kathryn Bigelow, received the same type of controversy for The Hurt Locker. Then there’s Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino’s spaghetti western set during slavery. As you can imagine, the film has garnered its own share of animosity for its historical inaccuracy and it’s overall depiction of slavery. Basically, Quentin Tarantino is facing controversy for being Quentin Tarantino… you know, the same guy who did the exact same thing with Nazi Germany and the Holocaust in Inglorious Basterds. This then leaves me thinking, since not much was really said about that movie but a lot is being said about this one, I can only assume one of three things is happening: 1) nobody’s ever heard of Quentin Tarantino 2) a bunch of people are too in their feelings about the idea of using slavery as a backdrop for a story about a black bounty hunter killing slave masters rather than it being some overblown history lesson or 3) the subject hits a little too close to home here in America. At any rate, the movie I enjoyed the most this year had to be Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson’s finest movie since The Royal Tenenbaums. From the intense attention to detail to the color scheme and the character studies of young love and adult insecurities, it was classic Anderson. Anderson’s schtick may have lost some of its luster, but he still knows how to put together a wonderfully ecstatic indie faux-fairy tale.

Television continue to ride its golden-era out, with some of the best seasons of some of the most unique shows. 30 rock, after having slump season after slump season, went all out for the first half of its shortened final season; proving to be just as irreverent, tightly constructed and hilarious as it’s always been. Community experienced controversy after controversy, with the departure of showrunner Dan Harmon and the eventual departure of Chevy Chase, but still managed to have another wonderful and imaginative season–a season that served as a fitting end to Harmon’s tenure. Meanwhile, Parks & Recreation continued to be the best show on NBC’s (mostly) stellar Thursday night block.  Louie C.K.’s boundary-pushing character expose continues to be art disguised as comedy. Louie has almost perfected the act of making its audience just as unsure about things as Louis C.K. himself seems in each episode, while also challenging the notion of success and, as always, the bitter fight between happiness and depression. Speaking of which, Mad Men produced one of its most divisive seasons after being gone for 2 years. I fell on the camp that loved this season, a season which took the characters to dark places–in both reality and within themselves. If one word could be applied to this season, it would be worth. The worth of your soul, the worth of a spouse and the worth of self were all regular questions implied in episode after episode. Maybe that’s why I like it so much, the question of worth makes a regular appearance in my life as well. Speaking of the worth of souls, Breaking Bad continued to be the best thing on television. With an 8 episode half-season, Breaking Bad packed in as much as it could before its eventual finale in 2013; at times it proved hit or miss but when it hit it hit hard, providing some of the best television seen this year–including the gut-wrenching end to “Dead Freight”. The resolution to Breaking Bad in 2013 already makes that year awesome in my book, but the prospect of no more new episodes is a bad omen for 2014.

2012, much like real life, was uneven and maybe in the long run won’t be much to remember. Eventually nostalgia will be kind to it–like it is to every year, no matter how shitty. For me, it will be the year I got pushed to my absolute limit and came out stronger… but still not strong enough. It was the year I needed the best in entertainment to take me away from the life I was living and make me happy to be alive. It didn’t always succeed but it had a pretty good batting average. Here’s to 2013, let’s hope it’s a good one.

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(Chris Brown: in terrorist form)

For the 2010 mockumentary I’m Still Here, Joaquin Phoenix plays Joaquin Phoenix as he retires from acting and purports to start a life as a rapper. Prior to the release, nobody really understood what was going on but we all agreed that Joaquin had lost it–and that letterman escapade validated it. It was performance art of the highest caliber and, whether you think it worked or not, it was pretty damn ballsy.

2012 saw the emergence of rapper Trinidad Jame$ and his now infamous music video. It also saw James Franco tricking people into thinking he was some kind of renaissance man; simply unhappy with being an average actor, he suddenly felt the need to be average in a bunch of other vein projects like being a professor of “something”, an artiste and a “writer” for–cheekily–Vanity Fair. It saw Chris Brown needing more hatred and vitriol, as the advent of people feeling indifferent about his existence simply wasn’t enough for him–and, finally, 2012 saw lil b being very lil b throughout the year.

Now one could get mad about this–outraged even. In fact I was pretty inclined to get agitated over these people time and time again. However, I thought back to I’m Still Here and it dawned on me: This was all a show. For you see, there’s no possible way that lil b is that self-unaware that he would give his cat a record deal. There’s no way that James Franco is that in love with himself that he simply indulges in any fantasy he deems “esteemed” enough–no matter how unqualified he is to do so. There’s no way a drugged-out Sly Stone look-alike would seriously make a video where he’s open-shirted and holding a puppy, rapping about gold as if that were a good idea and there is just no way that some guy who made like 3 good songs would actively bait people into hating him and still have legions of crazy fans defend him. No, there’s just no way. It’s all performance art.

That’s what 2012 was all about. Putting on a show to expose the the anomaly that is celebrity, and why it allows us to do everything we want without fear of vitriol from a set fanbase. They actively exposed how silly entertainment was and how silly we all were for feeding into it. You succeeded guys, Whether through hosting a class on yourself, threatening to “shart” in a female comedian’s mouth or popping mollys and sweating, you showed us all how stupid we still are. Can’t wait to see what 2013 brings.

(this post contains spoilers for last night’s How I Met Your Mother. Reader beware.)

Last night, as I sat through another episode of a mostly lackluster HIMYM season, I tried my best not to let my irritation with Barney’s pointless relationship with Patrice and Ted’s pointless feelings for Robin ruin what was a pretty decent episode. Then it happened. An ending  that, despite the fact that I kinda saw it coming near the end of the episode, still overwhelmed me emotionally to the point of giddiness. Barney and Robin were together again–engaged even!–and suddenly everything about what made this show a good one in the first place began to show its face again. Yeah, the all too familiar tropes were there–dramatic presentation, flashbacks, a theatrical indie-rock soundtrack–yet I reacted to it like it was all new.

Then I calmed down and started to hate myself. You see I thought I couldn’t bring myself to care about “will-they or won’t-they” anymore. We knew Barney and Robin would get together (even if it wasn’t revealed within the show already), so it wasn’t a surprise. Yes, the investment we as viewers have put into these characters play a large part in our reactions to what happens to them, but I think most people can agree that stretching the ultimate ending for these two out as long as possible got pretty annoying. In fact, that’s the problem with all the “will they or won’t they” couples on TV… it overstays its welcome.

Friends was the first abuser. Ross and Rachael were America’s favorite couple that weren’t… well, they were for one season, but that was it. The biggest issue with this one was that the two of them weren’t a couple for so long that you almost forgot about the whole thing. I remember watching the final episode and thinking “ehhh, I forgot all about that”. The U.S. edition of The Office sought to grip its viewers with Jim and Pam they same way the original U.K. series did with Tim and Dawn, and it worked… for 3 years. Rather than drag it out year after year, they brought the saga to a close with Jim asking Pam on a date in the season 3 finale and P am saying yes, it was the cutest damn shit ever and if that had been the end of the series I would’ve been fine with it. Instead the show went on–for years past its prime–and Jim and Pam became the boring couple that everyone remembers used to be cool.

But nobody was a worse perpetrator than J.D. and Elliott from Scrubs. Insufferable doesn’t even begin to describe it. It started great (as it always does), J.D. seems to like Elliott, Elliott seems to like J.D., so will they or won’t they? Then they did, for one–well 2 I guess–episodes. It was an interesting concept, following the initial honeymoon period of a relationship only to find that life, ego and personal insecurities get in the way of what you thought you wanted. Maybe it would’ve been perfect if it had stayed that way, maybe it would’ve still worked if they had worked through it (even if it was later down the road), but it didn’t work because they over did it. They broke up, got together, broke up, hooked up again, stopped, etc. By the time they back together (again) and J.D. realizes 2 seconds later that he doesn’t want her, I was officially done with those two.

As far as getting it right, that’s a little trickier. Maybe it’s because most TV shows last too long, but it’s rare that people strike the right balance. The Office U.K. got as close to perfect as you can get. Spaced was great because it was an open-ended story that worked best that way. Both Community and Parks And Recreation get points for playing around with the trope by having damn near every character hook up with each other at one point. Maybe it is just an outdated trope representing an old fashioned way of entertainment; but, as last night showed me, there’s still some magic left in that old bag of tricks.

It’s december, which means list after insufferable list claiming to be the authority on what was great about this shitty year. Not one to be holier than thou, I will also be cramming insufferable and opinionated bullshit down your throat–but you know, I won’t pretend like it’s some sort of definitive statement on what this year meant in the pop culture sphere. So here are ten songs that pretty much let you know what 2012 was, enjoy them as you patiently wait for the apocalyptic hellfire soon to swallow this earth… or something:


1. Frank Ocean – “Pyramids”

While many a journalist and music aficionado has waxed poetic about Channel Orange, I found it pretty inconsistent and an album that lost its luster pretty quick; but it was still a great record nonetheless, and “Pyramids” is pretty much the best song released this year.  A truly great pop song–it was brooding R&B with an electronic sheen, and it was 10 minutes of glorious funk and style.

2. Juicy J – “Bandz A Make Her Dance”

Sure, go ahead and pretend you weren’t fixated on this song. Yeah yeah, I know… you only listen to that real hip-hop and can’t be bothered with the garishness and cartoonish ignorance on display. Yawn, it gets old–you say no to ratchet club musc, Iz Daramola can’t!

3. Japandroids – “Fire’s Highway”

There are probably a lot of people turned off by the Japandroid’s “bro-ness”. Those guys suck. There’s something awesome about a couple dudes who play like they got bored one day and started a band, even if it is just to write songs about partying and drinking. After seeing these guys at Pitchfork over the summer, I became an even bigger fan.

4. Kendrick Lamar- “Bitch Don’t Kill my vibe”

It was a pretty tough call trying to pick which song from K.Dot’s fantastic debut best deserved a spot on this list. I had to go with the second track ultimately because, as 15 year old narcissistic girls would put it, this song is totally my life.

5. Dirty Projectors- “Dance For You”

I don’t know why I love this so much–I just, man I don’t know.

6. Trinidad Jame$- “All Gold Everything”

POP A MOLLY I’M SWEATIN, WHOOO! POP A MOLLY I’M SWEATIN, WHOOO!  

7. Future- Turn On The Lights

To all the hip-hop nerds out there, for what it’s worth, I tried really hard not to like this one.

8. 2 Chainz ft. Kanye West- “Birthday Song”

Come on bruh, how could I not include this one.

9. G.O.O.D. Music- “Mercy”

Despite luxury rap overkill at this point, you can’t deny that this was the jam of the summer (well at least until Bandz started to catch on). The illuminati and Givenchy have been good to the G.O.O.D. crew.

10. Carly Rae Jepson- “Call Me Maybe”

Real headz know the deal. The rest of you can fall back son.

 

Bonus:

11. Childish Gambino- “Shoulda Known”

I’m glad bino is doing some more actual rapping this time around, but I still couldn’t resist the catchiness of this little pop-baiting jam.

12. Nicki Minaj/ 2 Chainz – “Beez In The Trap”

Gotta hand it to Nicki, her 15 minutes is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would.

13. Allo’ Darlin – “Tallulah”

See number 5

14. Domo Genesis- “The Daily News”/ A$AP Mob – “Thuggin’ Noise/Curren$y- “Jet Life”

The “cool kid” rap crowd had as big a year as any other bullshit niche genre. Domo’s EP with The Alchemist was one of the best releases of the year by an OF member not named Frank. The A$AP mob album may have been a little “meh” overall, but it was still lots of fun. Curren$y, well Curren$y does what he always does, put out constant dope shit.

15. Fiona Apple- “Valentine”

This is purely just to impress the art crowd–or whatever. I don’t care what you think, you know.

I am a snack junkie. I’m addicted to snack foods of all kind–like it’s a problem. If I could live off of snack foods I would, but unfortunately I’m in shitty enough shape as it is. When Hostess announced last month that they were going out of business, it probably should’ve been considered a day of mourning among snack junkies (maybe it was, who knows), but as far as me and my fellow snack snobs are concerned: good riddance.

Despite the fact that most hostess products are like really really bad for you, the real reason to hate them stems from the fact that they’re just really shitty product. Twinkies were nothing but glamorized, technically edible sponges and as far as their other “treats”, just about every other brand made a better version of it. So other than the fact that a bunch of people lost their jobs (which sucks), I can’t say I’ll miss that sponge-making bastion from hell, Hostess. Yet you are still are fundamental part of history and pop culture, so for you I’ll pour some of this spiced brew down to the ground.

“It’s so haaaaarrrrd to say goodbyyyyeeeee, to yesterdaaaaayyyyyyyy.”

In which I base all of my opinions of the new Wiz Khalifa album, O.N.I.F.C., on the album cover.

 

Man, what happened to this guy. He used to be like the guy in class who’ll crack jokes and then maybe sell you some weed afterwards. Now he’s just become… well, this. I mean I get it, he wants to be hip-hop’s Jimi Hendrix, but I think he might be trying to hard. The album–I assume–isn’t terrible or anything, I’m sure it’s not great either. It’s been a long time since those Kush And Orange Juice days and now that Wiz is the biggest thing since sliced bread, we’ll all have to get used to the man he is now. Change may be scary but it’s inevitable; it’s pretty selfish of us to expect the artists we love to always do the same thing (especially since we’ll always say it wasn’t as good as the first one). So while I may not be on the plane with Khalifa–and his Cruella De Ville coat–any longer, I still say do your thing brah. Oh and that “Remember You” song with the Weeknd is pretty good.

https://i0.wp.com/img.gawkerassets.com/img/18762o3ar3ktijpg/medium.jpg

possible things said during this meeting of the titans:

GUY:

“I’M TELLING YOU MAN YOU SHOULD GROW ONE OF THESE BITCHIN’ GOATEES.”

I KNOW BLEACHED SPIKED HAIR IS OUT, BUT I’M BRINGING IT BACK. FULL THROTTLE.”

“JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING EITHER.

“YOU THINK YOU COULD SIGN MY DEGRASSI DVDS?”

 

DRAKE:

“Just between you and me, do you think a girl would like my meal?”

“Listen, I know what it feels like to get hammered by writers and bloggers too”

“You gon’ hype me up and make me sauté some mushrooms like that, nooooo….”

“You think you could sign my flame pattern sweater after this?” 

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