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Monthly Archives: February 2013

Bringing Sexy Back To Water

February 28, 2013
Uncategorized
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get_image_cgi_PRN22-AQUAHYDRATE-COMBS-WAHLBERG-yh_original

Sean “Diddy” Combs and Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg have taken time out of their busy schedules of schilling overpriced vodka and movies about TV shows about “brahs being brahs man”, respectively, to join forces to tap into another market in desperate need of corporate takeover. This market concerns water, more specifically AQUAhydrate, a much more tantalizing word instead of drinking water. This isn’t exactly the first time water has been turned into another avenue made for crass commercialism and brand building in this wonderful land of magical capitalism, but the meeting of these two titans of marketing and mediocre rap skills is something to take note of. Naturally, it was Diddy who made a statement better than anything you’ll read in the shitty blog: “When I tasted this water, I fell in love with this water. It was that simple, I really do not like the taste of the majority of waters that are on the market. I am just looking for something that makes me feel good and tastes good.”

I too hate how water always tastes so watery, WHY OH WHY CAN’T IT TASTE GOOD?! At any rate, I’m sure the rap community is steady working hard to work rhymes about recovering from a night of Ciroc and strip clubs with some energy-boosting AQUAhydrate as we speak.

via (The AV Club)

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You Should Let Me Teach Your Kids

February 28, 2013
Comedy
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I’m really quite good. I’m not one of those “turn the lights off and make the kids watch a movie” types–unless I’m hungover… or just plain sick of looking at them. Today’s kids could learn a lot from me, such as: math, science, language arts, breaking into buildings and vehicles, learning not to take any shit from the man and extreme afro-centrism (helpful in the overthrow of the white bourgeois system). My lesson plan is immaculate. Full of plans and papers about numbers and shit or that asshole Descartes, stupid stuff like that. I’m pretty great at sitting at a desk AND standing in front of that desk, if the pay is good enough I’ll even do some talking. I’m great at pretending I’m listening, even though I never am (NEVER EVER). I promise to allows look out for your child’s safety, you know, unless he/she acts like a dick or something… then fuck him or her… I’m not opposed to fighting a child no matter how small, I don’t PLAY NO GAMES. At any rate, I’m sure you’re already hooked by what I’ve released about myself so far. Feel free to pass this information to any middle or high school in your town–no elementary schools, I’m not allowed within a 15 mile radius of any one in the country. I look forward to changing your kid’s life, and who knows, maybe it’ll even be for the better.

Sony unveils the PS4… sort of

February 20, 2013
Video Games
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In case you missed out, Sony announced the impending arrival of the Playstation 4 game console. The press conference, which took place at 6 pm EST, showed off a few specs and capabilities while also showing off gameplay and trailers for new games such as the latest Killzone game and the sure-to-be eagerly anticipated Bungee-Activision collaboration Destiny. What wasn’t shown off however was the actual console itself–or the price. We did get a peek at the controller (pictured above) which confirmed the rumors about it to be true. More interesting than anything else was a demo that conveyed how the Playstation move wand could be used to create your own worlds in the system (think of it like adobe photoshop: CGI edition), also based on how strongly the PS3 is still doing, it doesn’t look like it will be phased out anytime soon. You can expect the PS4 to be out this holiday season.

Top Moments Of Last Night’s Grammy Awards (That Didn’t Actually Happen)

February 11, 2013
music
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I sat through enough of the Grammy’s last night to know it was just as ho-hum as it is every year. So rather than actually talking about what happened, indulge me while I say things that should’ve happened (or porribly might have happened, while I changed over to The Walking Dead).

10. LL Cool J performs “Head Sprung” with the help of fun., Rihanna and Taylor Swift.

I especially enjoyed watching Johnny Depp rap along in the audience, as that is known to be a favorite in his workout playlist.

9. Wiz Khalifa delivers his wife’s child live during his performance with Miguel

It really added a nice spin to “Adorn”, although when the baby started flying in the air you could totally see the wires.

8. Mumford and Sons and the Lumineers share the stage to have a whose more blander contest

Both these guys were truly made to make music that pimps products from Urban Outfitters.

7. Adele somehow wins all of the awards despite not being nominated

To be fair, 21 still is the best rap record out.

6. A dedication to Taylor Swift by Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends

I mean it was cool. Taylor was kinda over it by the time it ended.

5. Rick Ross’s car was shot at, leading to Ross crashing his vehicle into the Grammy stage.

To be fair, this really did spice up fun.’s performance a lot.

4. After a win for “No Church In The Wild”, the awards sound committee tried to play off The-Dream and Frank Ocean, before cutting off the “wrap it up” music so Jay-Z could talk.

By the soundstage, the guys working the buttons were seen talking amongst themselves:

Sound Guy #1: Alright, we gotta keep the show moving.

Sound Guy #2: Dude that’s Jay-Z, you can’t play him off.

Sound Guy #1: I don’t care, we gotta keep moving.

Just then in walks a shadowy, ghost-like demon. He places his hand on the should of the first sound guy, the icy venom of death takes hold of his entire body before he falls to the ground in painful, agonizing death. The demon then looks over at the second sound guy; paralyzed with fear, the second sound guy hurriedly tries to stop the music in hopes that the demon will spare him.

He does. He does.

3. After Frank Ocean wins his first Grammy, Chris Brown storms the stage to punch him in the face and let everyone know that the Grammy stage is HIS parking spot.

This is then followed by the support of team Breezy on Twitter, stating that it totally is his spot and it’s the media that makes being an asshole such a bad thing. In fact, why focus on how he’s an irredeemable asshole all the time anyways? Why not focus on the times when he isn’t one, like right when he wakes up and just before he falls asleep.

2. During the Bob Marley tribute, a holographic image of Bob Marley shows up to perform for the audience.

Even he can’t figure out why Bruno Mars is there and why he gets to do his own song.

1. Prince shows up

This actually did happen, and yes, it was the best moment last night. Also he told Gotye he liked his song, there’s literally nothing you can tell that guy ever.

A Celebration in Gif-Form of Last Night’s Big Show

February 4, 2013
music, Uncategorized
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Last night the 49ers and the Ravens played each other in a dramatic game that came down to the wire. In the end the Ravens prevailed, Ray Lewis retired on a high note, Joe Flacco will be the elite convo, Colin Kapernick will have his chance again and the game will be remembered was one of the all time greats. Whatever. Here’s a bunch of Beyonce gifs from last night.

 

There are people who love her and people who REALLY love her; there are also people who hate her and people who REALLY hate her. Both extremes are silly. However, I will say this: She’s the greatest PERFORMER of OUR generation (we can talk about “of all time” or “alive” later) and you got to give her her credit. She doesn’t have the range or the vocal chops of Whitney and others, she isn’t MJ or even James Brown, but she is electrifying. The most worthwhile negative opinion of her is that she doesn’t come off as human but instead as a brand, a robot or a cyborg. Fair enough, but in a world where we have twitter, instagram, facebook, tumblr, comment sections on websites, personal blogs and the aftermath of spending 8 years with a president we all “wanted to get a beer with”, let me be the first to say that being human is overrated and last night Beyonce proved why robots are still cooler.

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