Israel Daramola

In, what I’m sure, comes as a shock to nobody paying attention: dating people from the internet is the future. (Hell, it’s the present.) The days of stranger danger and creepy perverts on AOL chat are… well, still there, minus AOL chat, but largely dismissed as social media has grown into an unstoppable monster deluding people into thinking they’re special. With this–and every type of dating site you can imagine–comes the skyrocketing of online hook ups. Now, we could look at this as glass half-empty and go into a hyperbolic fit about how this is the ultimate death knell for courtship and the “old fashioned way” that got your parents together but honestly, I’m already looking at damn near everything in my life as half-empty, let’s do this shit half-full.

Here’s the good news kids: you’re way more interesting online than you ever are in real life–trust me, it’s true.  The internet has a way of making even the lowliest of nerds who spend all day complaining on message boards about gaffes on last night’s “Parks & Rec” and writing “Breaking Bad” fanfic in their parent’s basement seem like the suavest of gentlemen with the right work. Vonnegut said it best, “We are who we pretend to be, so be very careful who you pretend to be”; in other words, when you pick that online persona you’ve been crafting so intricately for months in advance like it’s a character in one of those shitty scripts you aim to get made one day, make sure you choose wisely. On the flipside, if you choose to stay true to your roots, well, hang on because you may be shocked to find out there actually exists people who might like the nerd that you are (although, you should probably still keep that shit mostly tight-lipped the first couple dates ).

The worst thing about these social networks is that they’ve pretty much killed conversation–seriously I barely remember how to meet people in person first anymore–but on the one hand it’s also allowed for a new way to find out things about people and use that shit to your advantage. (Oh you liked The Dark Knight too? We should totally get together and discuss the political and social thematics strewn about the movie.) I mean it’s easy as shit for anyone to have game on the internet son, it’s great.

I’m here to help you guys. I’m probably one of the biggest nerds around–I’ll annoy the shit out of you with my encyclopedic knowledge of Simpsons references, (seasons 1-8 only, classic era forever!) and I’ve probably spent more time on this blackhole of information searching samples used in Kanye albums than you’ve spent doing anything ever. With that being said, of the last 5 girls I’ve dated, 4 came from Twitter-Caking (copyright pending). That’s just the name of the game now, people interact more on there and other social avenues than in real life; it’s not hard to comprehend really… you’re basically just inviting yourself to a conversation someone is having with their own self. So stop running from the inevitable and embrace it, get that persona together and make sure that’s really them on those profile pictures–cause these fools think they’re slick.