Israel Daramola

There are people who celebrate Christmas in order to remember the love, mercy and sacrifice bestowed by the Lord Jesus Christ. For me, my Christmas is the day new pictures of Rihanna at a Carnival emerge. I sit by the lights of my macbook with gleeful anticipation for said pictures because unlike actual Christmas, Rihanna will never let me down and will always give me more than I deserve.

Fun fact: those “I met God, she’s black” shirts were created after the designer saw a picture of Rihanna in a Carnival outfit. It’s true. You just read it on the internet.

I like to imagine Carnival Rihanna as a specialty version of regular Rihanna: like when characters in Dragon Ball Z do the fusion dance to combine into one character, or like Mecha-Godzilla or Jem. If Rihanna had happy meal toys, Carnival Rihanna would be one of the toys and it would be the one that everyone had to keep eating over and over to get.

What is it like to be in Rihanna’s presence during Carnival? You’re breathing her air and seeing a woman does is giving me heart palpitations through a computer screen in real life. What do you do? Would you panic? I’m pretty sure I would panic. What do you do when she starts whining? Do you call yourself an ambulance? I would literally have to walk around with an IV in my arm the whole time. What if she decided to whine on you? I’m pretty sure you would combust into pieces like Malfunctioning Eddie from Futurama. I saw a photo where Rihanna whined on a gentleman and it looked like HE WAS ON HIS PHONE. THAT IS THE MOST BLATANTLY DISRESPECTFUL THING I’VE EVER HEARD OF. DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOU RIGHT NOW. ENJOY IT. PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND EXPERIENCE A THING THAT’S HAPPENING TO YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.

What happens to a penis that’s been twerked on by Rihanna? Does it grow like the seeds buried in the ground? Is it like the sunrise or the brightest glow from the moon but in your penis? Is it more powerful than it’s ever been? Is it like a baptism but for a penis? Would your penis be eligible for submission to the Smithsonian? Do you think people can sense that something has changed about you post-twerk? For example, let’s say Rihanna twerked on me and I went to a bar the next day: would I become a magnet now? Would I just be the center of attention for some unexplainable reason anytime I enter the room? If Rihanna twerks on you (man or woman), I’m pretty sure you could just use that line to hit on anyone. I mean really think to yourself and question whether you would turn down someone who was good enough for Rihanna to whine up against. Don’t deny yourself that adjacent glow, treat yourself.

The possibilities are endless with Carnival Rihanna and for that she is due all praise.