I know you think you’re bound for better things but you aren’t. This is it for you. You’ve achieved the most success you will ever achieve in your life.
Congratulations I guess? It’s sort of an accomplishment. The next time will be going through the five stages of grief. In a misguided use of your energy, you’re going to work hard to convince yourself that the tiny voice in your head that tells you to give up on your dreams and give in to the desire to eat Rice Krispie Treats shirtless on your couch is wrong. You’ll spend a lot of time in the Denial and Bargaining stage, you’ll tell yourself that you’re one step away, one song away, one good game away, one job application away, whatever; the truth is: this is it. You are already the best that you will ever be.
You will beg God or The Universe or whoever for guidance, a blessing, a miracle or anything but it will not come. The Universe will instead tell you that you should be happy where you are. Because this is your peak.
Is it shitty? Sure. A reality check is not here to coddle you like a newborn baby, it’s here to drop you on your head and blame you for falling. Knowing that you’ve peaked is not a good feeling because you’re never happy with wherever you peaked. We’re all full of ourselves and think that we deserve better than whatever we have going on at the moment.We don’t get what we want though: we reach our ceiling and then we gather ourselves together and build a life for ourselves while we wait to die. I think it’s the waiting that kills me most.
This is your peak: late nights spent in the fetal position, condescending supervisors, a family you only kinda like and so, so much alcohol. All the liquor and drugs you will consume just to disguise the pain that comes with reaching your peak will almost certainly be the highlight of the rest of your time here. In time, you might even get married and have children; children that you can use as the totems for all of your broken dreams and wishes. You will beat them down and crush their spirit all in the hopes that they can accomplish what you never could and maybe get a house out of the deal or whatever.
I’ll be honest, I don’t feel like finishing this essay. I got no fight in my left. I’ve already peaked and none of this matters.