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In the midst of nearly dying or wondering when I’m actually going to die, I never got around to talking about Yeezus. In what is Kanye’s latest cry for help album, Yeezus seems to be a testimony of a celebrity who’s self aware enough to recognize how stupid, meaningless and full of shit fame and status is, but also still egotistical and shallow enough to enjoy the perks. It’s organized chaos; it’s a record that purely baits people into hating it and him forever and it’s way better than it really has any right to be. so real quickly, let’s go ahead and go bobby boucher on this record and somebody please get me some fucking croissants.

1. Send It Up

The albums starts of with what is, I assume, a tape of potential theme music for Space Invaders and Galaga. All it really needs is a bunch of kids yelling like little assholes and the sound of miserable disdain coming from shitty 16 year old employees to fully capture the sound of an arcade. There’s a neat sample of “Sermon” in it, which is neat. It contains the lines “got this bitch shakin’ like Parkinson’s  “Indian hair no moccasins” “she got more niggas off than Cocharan” and “don’t judge em Joe Brown”, so you know… there’s that.

2. Black Skinhead

It kind of sounds like a pack of black vampire wolfs attacking a small town during a full moon on Halloween in musical form. Kanye does that thing where he pretends to be a revolutionary despite that being really hilariously ridiculous. Also I heard this song in the trailer for Wolf Of Wall Street so now all I can think of when I hear it is Leonardo DiCaprio throwing mimosas at shrubbery… also I really wanna throw mimosas at shrubbery.

3. I Am A God

This one sounds like Jack Nicholson murdering Shelly Duval and Danny Lloyd and making splash puddles in their blood (no mention of this interpretation of the film in Room 237 btw). There’s a lot of jamaican-rasta noisewords at the beginning that sounds like Dave Chappelle speaking spanish into a megaphone when he was rocking out with John Mayer, ?uestlove and Sanchez. I imagine when God came into the studio to record this he didn’t actually get a chance to hear the final product but just figured it’d be a song about rolling up, smoking a pound and fucking some angelic bitches up in heaven. Kanye really wants croissants.

4. New Slaves

If a xylophone could be possessed by the devil and then got a chance to make a song with Kanye this is the beat it would make. Frank does a good job making people go “was that Frank? Are you sure? Nah I don’t think so but I don’t know it was way too quick to tell.” Kanye would like you to know that he’ll take your money and spend it on Alexander Wang but he’s not gonna like it. That’ll show ’em Yeezus.

5. Hold My Liquor

This is exactly what drunk driving sounds like. These are the actual sounds that are taking place while a drunk driving event occurs: Bon Iver slurs, Chief Keef doing that Master P meets drunk Frankenstein sing-rap, horns, autotune whimpering and lots and lots of loud noises. It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that before this record ends, Kanye will host a seance, sacrifice someone, eat their flesh and drink their blood to absorb their energy and become even more powerful than imaginable in order to appease the illuminati grand wizards. My guess is: it’ll probably by Cyhi Da Prynce. I mean, that’s his purpose right?

6. I’m in it

This sounds like a vampire orgy taking place in that blacklight club from the movie Belly (I realize this doesn’t narrow anything because the entire movie looks like it takes place in a blacklight club but bear with me). In fact, being perfectly honest, this whole album sounds like Belly if Belly had been about vampires fucking each other the whole time. There’s a Beenie Man sample to make the song feel like a cross between the Zion partyorgy sweatporn in The Matrix Revolutions and a juice party thrown by a black greek fraternity. Kanye needs a nightlight and so do I now. I’m not fluent in swaghili… that Rosetta Stone hasn’t come in the mail yet.

7. Blood On The Leaves

Best song on the album truthfully. It’s all power, what with that marching band from hell and Kanye in full on My Chemical Romance mode. The song contains a sample of “Strange Fruit”, the Nina Simone version, which is a song about the gruesome lynchings of blacks. Kanye uses it for another song about groupies who should get abortions but now with more C-Murder references. It also sounds like he’s either murdering a puppy at the end or mourning the groupies aborted fetus in a storage closet somewhere; it’s unsettling and kinda sounds like it could be used for those sad abused puppies commercials that come on at 4 am.

8. Guilt Trip

Kanye does that thing where he’s “singing” or, more accurately, just droning and making noises out of his mouth and autotuning them while playing Sonic 2 bonus stages in the background. Kid Cudi does that “emo kid turning his notebook poems into a song for his shitty band” thing for a second. There’s a lot of loud noises meant to scare small children and grown men who write on blogs that nobody reads here too which is always fun. I’m pretty sure the devil is asking for my soul in this song but I’m not all the way sure–either way just tell him I’m using it right now–and also Kanye does that thing where he sounds really bummed guys.

9. Send it Up

This kind of sounds like the scene in Blade where Blade shows up to that club with all those strobe lights and then makes eye contact and death stares Tywin Lannister, who’s sitting on the King’s throne in the center of the club. And yes I recognize that’s not a scene in the movie but that’s still what this song sounds like, I can’t think of another description for it. Kanye’s not into helping you get your friend into the club.

10. Bound 2

This is the light at the end of the tunnel. Like if this whole album was like being locked into a rave-meets death metal-meats acid house shed for 8 hours and then they opened the door to let you out and you find out it’s now the next day and you don’t know where you are and you can’t remember how you even got there or what your name is or where your underwear is or why you’re sucking on a lollipop or why you’re handcuffed to a fat guy in a bib and a diaper and why he’s sucking on the same lollipop as you or whatever, this would be the song for you. It’s Kanye’s love song but it’s not a “love song” love song; it’s like the equivalent of a guy who’s upset that he’s in love with someone and has feelings and shit like that. It’s the disheveled grimace of love songs. If nothing else, I’m glad that me and Yeezy both enjoy Martin references.

8.5/10

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There was no way that wasn’t bound to happen. Random Access Memories is an album that has been marketed to perfection over the internet and was instantly doomed to be a disappoint to the denizens of the same internet; it’s a vicious world. That being said, the album is nowhere near bad, but for a Daft Punk record–and one as hyped as this one is–it’s painfully average.

An album chasing the past but not just the grand past worthy of nostalgia but the past that involves those nights when your mom would parade you around her friend and your relatives during one of her dinner parties. There are times when the album really works (“instant crush” and “get lucky” for example) and there are times when the album just seems to be “there”, kind of meandering about. Much like, Justin Timberlake’s The 20/20 Experience, the album is pleasant and full of fine songs to tap your foot to but ultimately nothing jumps out. But, again, weren’t we all waiting on this inevitability. Believe it or not, the internet is full of snarky douches, contrarians and just plain assholes–sometimes all 3 (I know, I know. It surprises me too); so when it came time for everyone’s favorite cool kid duo to debut its latest record–and to do it in such dubious fashion–it pretty much started a countdown of “who could hate it the most”. Hype does nothing but dangle fish in front of sharks waiting to devour something and, short of fireworks shouting out of your computer and literally being ear-fucked, there was no way this Daft Punk album would survive. 

The album is solid, but that’s not what people want from a Daft Punk record. They know what they’re capable of and they expect it every single time. Fine I guess, except they’re forgetting that every Daft Punk record is like this. Dividing of people and differentiating in tastes. And that’s fine by me; all I need is a solid record for summer enjoyment. Plus, I mean, what’s more punk than daring people to hate your shit all the time.

As life becomes bleaker and the economy and culture spiral ridiculously out of control, there are certain things you hold onto dearly to keep things in perspective. While we all know that love is dead, we held onto the idea of friendship as a strong reminder of the good still left in the universe. Well, on friday night, the universe decided to say “fuck you, friendship is dead too!”

“Wait… no…”

“This is not happening…”

You can read the full story here. Longtime collaborators and best friends forever, Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame seem to be on non-speaking terms. Sure, they’ve had disagreements before, but you always knew that they’d rise above and that the two of them could make it through anything. I mean, what good is living in a world where strong friendships can’t even last (are we no longer a redeemable society?) Maybe there’s a chance though that all isn’t lost. I mean Flocka was at SXSW at the time of this tweet while Gucci was in LA at the Spring Breakers premiere, so presumably they haven’t returned their diamond-studded BFF rings. Maybe–just maybe–this can blow over before they take that ultimate step.

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As most of you should already know, Justin Timberlake’s forthcoming record The 20/20 Experience has begun streaming on iTunes a week early. After running through it back-to-back-to-back, I think it’s safe for me to say that the album is really good. Whatever fears people may have had about it not living up to FutureSex/LoveSounds seem to be quelled (at least to me), and, honestly, Suit & Tie and Mirrors are probably the weakest of the bunch. Every song except one clocks in at over five minutes and every song is worth the length of time afforded to it, Timbaland and Timberlake continue making some of the best production out at the moment and I already find this record better than all the R&B records released last year. All this being said, it’s not an instant satisfyer. There are bound to be countless knee-jerk reactions, all stemming for a need to have an album as immediately infectious as Timberlake’s first two records. There’s nothing here that feels autobiographical or soul-baring, it’s just a fun showcase of musical offerings that work its way under your skin. Whether it carries through to the spring/summer and becomes the dance-floor ready soundtrack that Futuresex was is yet to be seen but I guarantee it will be seeing solid rotation at the Daramola pad. Seriously, how could you not wanna blast a record that talks about space cocoons and uses strawberry bubblegum as a euphamism for vagina? I mean that just sounds delicious. Justin Timberlake’s The 20/20 Experience is available March 19th and is currently streaming on iTunes.

I sat through enough of the Grammy’s last night to know it was just as ho-hum as it is every year. So rather than actually talking about what happened, indulge me while I say things that should’ve happened (or porribly might have happened, while I changed over to The Walking Dead).

10. LL Cool J performs “Head Sprung” with the help of fun., Rihanna and Taylor Swift.

I especially enjoyed watching Johnny Depp rap along in the audience, as that is known to be a favorite in his workout playlist.

9. Wiz Khalifa delivers his wife’s child live during his performance with Miguel

It really added a nice spin to “Adorn”, although when the baby started flying in the air you could totally see the wires.

8. Mumford and Sons and the Lumineers share the stage to have a whose more blander contest

Both these guys were truly made to make music that pimps products from Urban Outfitters.

7. Adele somehow wins all of the awards despite not being nominated

To be fair, 21 still is the best rap record out.

6. A dedication to Taylor Swift by Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends

I mean it was cool. Taylor was kinda over it by the time it ended.

5. Rick Ross’s car was shot at, leading to Ross crashing his vehicle into the Grammy stage.

To be fair, this really did spice up fun.’s performance a lot.

4. After a win for “No Church In The Wild”, the awards sound committee tried to play off The-Dream and Frank Ocean, before cutting off the “wrap it up” music so Jay-Z could talk.

By the soundstage, the guys working the buttons were seen talking amongst themselves:

Sound Guy #1: Alright, we gotta keep the show moving.

Sound Guy #2: Dude that’s Jay-Z, you can’t play him off.

Sound Guy #1: I don’t care, we gotta keep moving.

Just then in walks a shadowy, ghost-like demon. He places his hand on the should of the first sound guy, the icy venom of death takes hold of his entire body before he falls to the ground in painful, agonizing death. The demon then looks over at the second sound guy; paralyzed with fear, the second sound guy hurriedly tries to stop the music in hopes that the demon will spare him.

He does. He does.

3. After Frank Ocean wins his first Grammy, Chris Brown storms the stage to punch him in the face and let everyone know that the Grammy stage is HIS parking spot.

This is then followed by the support of team Breezy on Twitter, stating that it totally is his spot and it’s the media that makes being an asshole such a bad thing. In fact, why focus on how he’s an irredeemable asshole all the time anyways? Why not focus on the times when he isn’t one, like right when he wakes up and just before he falls asleep.

2. During the Bob Marley tribute, a holographic image of Bob Marley shows up to perform for the audience.

Even he can’t figure out why Bruno Mars is there and why he gets to do his own song.

1. Prince shows up

This actually did happen, and yes, it was the best moment last night. Also he told Gotye he liked his song, there’s literally nothing you can tell that guy ever.

Last night the 49ers and the Ravens played each other in a dramatic game that came down to the wire. In the end the Ravens prevailed, Ray Lewis retired on a high note, Joe Flacco will be the elite convo, Colin Kapernick will have his chance again and the game will be remembered was one of the all time greats. Whatever. Here’s a bunch of Beyonce gifs from last night.

 

There are people who love her and people who REALLY love her; there are also people who hate her and people who REALLY hate her. Both extremes are silly. However, I will say this: She’s the greatest PERFORMER of OUR generation (we can talk about “of all time” or “alive” later) and you got to give her her credit. She doesn’t have the range or the vocal chops of Whitney and others, she isn’t MJ or even James Brown, but she is electrifying. The most worthwhile negative opinion of her is that she doesn’t come off as human but instead as a brand, a robot or a cyborg. Fair enough, but in a world where we have twitter, instagram, facebook, tumblr, comment sections on websites, personal blogs and the aftermath of spending 8 years with a president we all “wanted to get a beer with”, let me be the first to say that being human is overrated and last night Beyonce proved why robots are still cooler.

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